Open Letter: Help Will Come

I cannot count the number of times I heard people say that I look so happy. That I look as if I don’t have a single problem. That I laugh, smile, converse normally, work, study, and even actively contribute to several organizations.

When I hear them say that, I only smile. I don’t tell them but the truth is, I had to be strong. I was given no choice. Pre-pandemic, I had to pretend like I’m strong because if I show to other people outside my home that I’m tired and everything’s too much to handle, I’ll crumble at home too. If I spend my time outside allowing myself to be weak and sad, it’ll be hard for me to suddenly be strong at home. People at home draw strength from me. How can I afford to be weak? Do I allow myself to be weak or tired at home? Sometimes, when I’m alone and everyone’s asleep. But most times, I act strong and I shoulder every responsibility—even those I’m not ready to take. Why, you may ask. The answer is because if I don’t act strong at home, it’ll be hard for me to pretend to be strong outside too. When pandemic halted everyone’s lives, it was not easier. Now there’s no window to breathe from both problems outside and at home because they now live together under one roof.

You’d think that the commotion in my head would stop the moment I close my eyes and sleep. But you’re wrong. Up to this day, I cannot decide whether it is when I’m awake or asleep that the monsters in my head go stronger. You see, they haunt me even in my dreams. That’s why I try my best to stay awake for as long as I can—trying to drown myself with all the work I can possibly do just so that my thoughts won’t drown me first.

You’d think that you reached the deepest darkest pit in your mind, only to find that each time you hit rock bottom, the earth beneath you will shatter and you fall. Over and over again. But let me tell you a secret. Somewhere in that deep dark pit, there’s a ladder. You just have to find it and climb it. It gets tiring to go back up when you keep slipping down, trust me I know. But keep looking up. You’ll see the light soon enough.

You’d think that a person is the happiest in the world, yet inside they’re battling a fierce war. A war of two strong opposition—the strong pain, anxiety, and depression in one team and you in the other. Yes, you are strong. You’ve been holding the line for so long. It must feel as if you’re losing the battle but help will come. Sometimes help comes in the form of a passerby, but most times, help comes when you ask for it. Help comes when you blow the whistle or ask for backup. But either way, help comes. Hold on a little longer.